To forgive or not to forgive...that is the question

Disclaimer:  I am not a counselor nor a doctor.  Therefore, my comments posted today are not instructions as to what you should do in your partucular situation.  They are specific to my situation and what I have chosen to do with careful thought and consideration along with God's guidance and inspiration.  As always my posts are only to share and inspire those who are negatively affected by pornography (I don't how anyone could be positively affected by it) and give people, women especially, courage and hope to overcome situations they find them selves in, wherein, someone they love has an addiction to pornography.  As always, feel free to leave a comment.

What do you do when you have been made keenly aware that someone you love, someone close to you and one who affects your very life on a daily basis, has an addiction to pornography?  After some time of suspecting, or finding things on the compter, hearing excuses and or lies, and sleeping nights apart, they come clean and confess.  (Well, at least there's a step in the right direction; admitting that there is a problem).  A confession probably lifts at least a small burden off the shoulders of the person who confessed, yet at the same time, places a heavy burden on the person who was confessed to, especially if that person is a spouse and is the one who has been betrayed, deceived, and lied to.  The burden of knowing is a heavy one, one that comes with saddness, confusion, anger, depression, and even a loss of hope, faith or the ability to know what to do. Do you forgive or not, do you end it all and leave or do you stay and work things out?  All questions that goes through one's mind in a situation such as this. 
Sometimes we think that if we forgive those who have wronged us, then we're saying that what they did is ok.  I know that God commands us to forgive those who trespass against us so that we can be forgiven; let's face it, we're all imperfect.  But I also know that it is easier said than done.  How do we forgive? Why do we forgive? Is forgiving the same as saying 'it's ok'?  I listen to K-LOVE radio station while I'm in the car, (it's a christian station) and I'm glad I do, because I get some real insight into the struggles of daily life from many of the great songs that are adapted from scripture and put to beautiful music.  One song in particular really struck a chord with me (no musical pun intented) simply titled "Forgiveness" by Matthew West.  The lyrics read:

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last things on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word....

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set it free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It'll cear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisioner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisioner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unloveable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now, to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
Show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what you gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness is necessary for our own healing.  Forgiveness releases the burden of knowing.  Forgiveness keeps us from anger and hatred.  Forgiving others will allow us to be forgiven when we mess up and make a mistake,

I aksed God to give me the ability to forgive, as I desired to do so.  Since my human weakness wanted to prevent me from forgiving, I needed help from a power larger than myself and my abilities.  After much effort and prayer, I was given that ability to forgive, and it really works.  I passed along that burden that was placed at my feet to God, as he invites us to do so, and have been healing little by little on a daily basis.

Forgiving on my part did not mean that what was done was ok.  And it does not excuse the process that my loved one has to take to make things right.  But it has given me the ability to step back and separate the sin from the sinner and recognize the true potential that is there and continue to pray and hope and have faith that some day all will be made whole and be able to look back at this experience as a time that my faith was strengthened.  My loved one recognized the wrong that was taking place and expressed willingness to change and has taken steps to do so, thus I will endure and love and forgive that we may again find peace and happiness that we both desire. I was reading in the Bible not long ago and just happened upon this passage in 1 Corinthians 7 that sums up this experience for me.  It reads:
"And the woman that hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.  For the unbelieveing husband is sanctified by the wife....For what knowest thou, o wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband."  In the eternal scheme of things, I hope to look back on this moment as the catalyst that set things in motion to make life even better.  If this difficult time results in great changes that makes us even stronger and better, if it results in "together forever" then it will all be worth it.  We just have to trust, have faith, and forgive.

Be courageous in the face of opposition

As I peruse the web, looking for other anti-pornography groups to support, I'm surprised, or I guess I'm not, at the opposition to anti-pornography groups, or in other words, people who are pro-pornography.  There seems to be more of those groups than those of the anti ones.  What I do find to be particularly surprising though, is that the voice of many of the pro supporters, are women.  Does that surprise you?  Support for, or at least lack of opposition to pornography can come from Social Liberal and Libertarian support, on the basis that the ability to produce or consume is a form of freedom; Feminist support on the basis that the ability to produce or consume pornography is one aspect of general freedom for women; and Harm-reduction based programs that say pornography does more good than harm.  Many feminists, and I won't even waste my time writing their names or give them any notoriety of any form, are opposed to censorship, and have argued against the introduction of anti-porn legislation in the US.  Some even claim that there is a direct correlation between pornography and a decrease in sex crimes.
All of us here on this earth have the freedom to choose what we will.  It's God's greatest gift to us all.   But in life, there is opposition.  In fact, there is opposition in all things, and for a good purpose.  Good vs. Evil, Right vs. Wrong, Happy vs. Sad.  Do you see where I'm getting at?  I'll let God's word do the talking, since it can explain it far better than I can. 
"And men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil.  And the law is given unto men.  And by the law no flesh is justified....For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things, for if not, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness nor holiness, nor misery, neither good nor bad...Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for him self save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other...wherefore, men are free to choose liberty and eternal life or choose captivity and death."  2nd Nephi chapter 2 Book of Mormon.   In short, we couldn't know one without knowing the other, and by knowing both sides, hopefully we'll choose the correct side.  After all, wickedness never was happiness.
So on the opposite side of the Pro pornography supporters, and gratefully so, are the anti-pornography supporters.  There are many professionals who assert that extensive viewing of pornographic material, can produce many unfavorable social  effects, including a decreased respect for long-term, monogamous relationships.  Additionally, some researchers claim that pornography causes unequivocal  harm to society by increasing rates of sexual assault.  The complete opposite of what the pro..ers claim. Dr. Dolf Zillmann of the University of Alabama, who has done extensive research of the negative effects of pornography has said: "The values expressed in pornography clash so obviously with the family concept, and they potentially undermine the traditional values that favor marriage, family, and children... Pornographic scripts dwell on engagements of parties who have just met, who are in no way attached or committed to each other, and who will part shortly, never to meet again....gratification in pornography is not a function of emotional attachment, of kindness, of caring, and especially not of continuance of the relationship, as such continuance would translate into responsibilities, curtailments, and costs."
So now that both sides have been represented, I'm going to inject that pornography indeed harms. I'm not a doctor of any kind, but I don't have to be to know that consuming pornography can result in addictive and destructive behaviors. The user may think they're in control and can stop at any time, they may not even think it's a big deal, until family relationships are disintegrating, careers are ruined, and in essence lives are broken.  I also believe it will take courageous people, women in particular, to help others see that pornography is deceitful and a lie.  Women who are willing to stare down the face of opposition in order to save our husbands, sons, friends and heroes.  Women who, although my be ridiculed or persecuted, are willing to speak up and speak out in order to keep evil at bay. Freedom lies not in doing evil just because we can, but in doing good because its what ultimately brings happiness.  Ester of the Old Testament was such a courageous woman, and I know there are many courageous women out there.

"Let us have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise."  Thomas S. Monson 

The Battlefield

Today is a bad day.  Today I think I have lost my mind.  Today I feel completely alone.  When people go through trials they can experience good days with an added measure of strength and hope, and then they experience bad days when all seems lost.  Today is one of those days.  I have been told by numerous people over the course of my life that I'm a strong person.  Especially in the face of adversity.  I try to be because I like to think that there's always a better day lurking around the corner and as it says in the scriptures ..."this too shall pass."  Just the other day a friend of mine, who has shared with me some of the struggles she's going through, sent me a message to my Facebook page that says, "God gives the worst trials to his warrior women."  I liked the message because it made me feel strong, made me feel like God trusts me to come out on top in this war...ahem this journey we call life, and made me feel like I was capable of overcoming even the worst of trials.  Sometimes we feel like we're warriors, fighting the daily battles that get thrown our way, but today I am defeated for sure, and I feel tired.  Tired of trying to be strong, tired of trying to be brave, tired of waiting for that better day that's supposed to be lurking around the corner.  Now, I've never actually been to battle, like on the front lines, facing the enemy with a weapon in hand, nor have I been a POW.  I can only imagine how terrible that would be, how hard and how trying an ordeal that would be for anyone, and I know there are brave people out there who have had to endure such ordeals.  We can even watch on the TV shows of today where war is depicted or where people have been captured by the enemy and are tortured or at least physically pushed to the brink in order to expel pertinent information from them.  They use tactics of starvation, sleep deprivation, propaganda, less than desirable living quarters, and perhaps even physical abuse.  The body is amazing, and what's more, the mind is amazing for it's ability to adapt, withstand and even over come.  But prolonged neglect and or abuse of our bodies and minds and we start to deteriorate.  And it will then depend on food, water, shelter, sleep, medical attention and so forth in order to bring us back into homeostasis as they say in the medical world, or rather, back to normal and thriving conditions that we're used to on a day to day basis.  Well, I believe the same can be said for our spirits.  The war for our spirits or our souls is actively engaged and the enemy is an invisible but very real one, and he has a great army.  Just like the physical enemy would try and obtain information about the weaknesses of his opposing forces to use for his benefit, so too does the adversary, who wants to destroy our souls and lead us away from victory which is ultimately in God.  He knows our weaknesses and he'll use what ever tactics are necessary to repeatedly attack our weaknesses until...well, yeah, until we're too weak to hold on any longer.  If we stray too far from "base camp" or try to wander out on the "battle field" alone or with out the proper instruction or guidance, we're certain to get lost, stumble across an "IED" or be captured by the enemy.  By that I mean, when we take our eyes off God and His perfect plan for us, (which includes living his commandments that by doing so gives us safety and peace) we begin to wander out in the world.  We can then get sucked into the world, whether it be drugs, alcohol, pornography, to name more of the severe things that are out there, and we can be captured by these things that over time rob of us our safety, peace, happiness, our direction in life or even our very life as we know it.  But it doesn't even have to be things as serious as drugs, alcohol or pornography.  With all that's going on in our lives right now, in my life, I feel, well, stressed.  Tired.  Sometimes angry.  Irritable.  Short tempered.  Those are the weaknesses that the enemy is playing off of right now, and in my weakness, I feel like I'm starting to give up.  It's the little things, like my kids complaining that they hate tonight's dinner, or when two of them are going at it with each other, like kicking each other and calling each other names, then tattle telling one on the other about what the other one did.  It's asking them to help clean up and instead they make new messes that I have to clean up.  It's doing laundry on a daily basis for eight people; washing, folding and putting away only to find clothes on the floor or back in the laundry when they weren't even worn.  It's feeling ingratitude from those you love when you are trying to do the best you can for them.  You're probably laughing, because we all go through this right?  You might even be going through worse.  All of these things were my day today, I finally did give up my strength and I yelled and screamed and cried and left the house and am writing this from the McDonalds parking lot trying to find my spiritual way back to homeostasis.  So I pray and ask for help and for once again the strength to keep going, and when I think all is lost, and am ready to give up the fight because I feel no one cares or understands, I get a message from my sweet 11 year old son who says, "Mommy please come back, we miss you terribly."  I had only actually been gone for maybe five minutes when he left me that message.  So there is hope that a better day is right around the corner.  There is hope that we can forgive and be forgiven.  Tomorrow is a new day and we must press forward.  I must press forward.  May I share this hymn with you?  It helps me get through the tough times.  It's a verse from an LDS hymn entitled, "Come, Come Ye Saints."

Why should we mourn, or think our lot is hard?
Tis not so all is right
Why should we think to earn a great reward,
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins, fresh courage take
Our God will never us forsake.
And soon we'll have this tale to tell
All is Well, all is well.

 

 

All is well, all is well...or at least someday it will be.

Pornography in the military

It is estimated that 20% of active duty military members are addicted to pornography and that consumption of pornography among military members is much higher than those of their civilian counterparts.  This can be partly due to long deployments and a predominantly male population.  Pornography is one of the biggest problems facing the military today.  It is beginning to surpass drug and alcohol abuse among military members; it has become the new drug of choice.
We have all been made aware of  the epidemic of sex crimes being committed within the military through the media.  It is nothing new to the military, only that now it is being brought out into the light .  But the military needs to do more than just discharge their service members from duty.  The service MUST help its members deal with this addictive health problem, as they do for those who abuse substances such as drugs and alcohol, and their current prevention training is not enough.   Leaders need to become available and approachable for service members to confide in them about their problem before their careers, lives and families are destroyed.  Simply put, pornography should not be able to be accessed by government computers.  But changing just the conditions or the environment alone is not enough; people need help in order to change.

It has been said that pornography is to sex addiction what crack cocaine is to drug addiction.  When the brain receives the images of pornography, adrenaline is released into the blood stream. The Pituitary Gland and Hypothalamus then secrete endorphins to produce dopamine which opens the pleasure centers of the brain.  Too much dopamine in the brain is said to cause the addiction.  Studies have even shown that persons, both normal and unbalanced, who view pornography develop a craving for more and more deviant material. There has also been proven a direct link between pornography consumption and commission of sex crimes.  Hence the spike in sexual assault cases within the military.

Pornography shapes beliefs and behaviors about sex.  It poses danger because it assaults human beings emotional psyche, of both the user and those close to them, especially a spouse.  It also poses danger to the abuser because it causes physical addictions similar to hard drugs.

You would be foolish to scoff and think that pornography is healthy or cures loneliness when one is away from family, or to ignore well documented risks associated with it.  You would also be foolish to ignore it if it's happening to you or someone you love, if it's important to you to save precious relationships.  The adversary is waging a war against families, and civilizations with pornography quite simply because it destroys.  As far as the military goes, now is the time to begin a serious anti-pornography campaign before more of our hero's are lost to this drug.  It doesn't have to be this way.

 There is hope however, which is why I began this blog.  To help my self, and to help others out there who might be directly or indirectly affected by this epidemic.  God has power to heal and to save.  There are many programs out there, such as the Addiction Recovery Program given by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that help people suffering and causing others to suffer because of an addiction.

I was afraid before to say anything.  Afraid of people's judgements, afraid to admit that this problem affects my life by a loved one, afraid that there would be nothing I could do to help.  But we don't need to be afraid.  "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ; for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth..." Romans 1:16

Promise to God

I made a commitment yesterday to God and to myself that I would become an advocate against pornography.  I wasn't quite sure where to start or how to help, but I knew it was something I needed to do.  While driving around town yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said "Be the change that you wish to see in the world."  That solidified to me that, even though I'm just one person against a serious evil in this world, I have to do what's necessary to bring awareness to people about it, and the devastating consequences that it WILL bring.

The King of Lies, the Adversary himself, uses pornography and the sex industry to slowly steal away peoples souls.  But he does it slowly and astutely so that you don't recognize it until it's too late.  It's a multi-billion dollar industry which drives people to produce it, star in it, exploit it and sell it to unassuming people who don't think or know that, like drugs and alcohol, can become addicted to it.

Before I get too far ahead of my self, let me explain why I have made this decision to become an advocate against this evil.  You might have assumed that it's because I have been affected by pornography in someway, and you would be right.  It has brought serious consequences to me and my innocent children, and we are still experiencing the effects of the choices our loved one has made.  My main purpose however, in advocating against pornography, is to testify that healing can occur and that people who choose to participate in pornography in any shape or form, can be freed from the chains that it ensnares you in and that loved ones too can find peace and healing and family relationships can be saved.  The same is true for any type of addiction that tears people apart, ruins relationships, and destroys lives.

I would like to start my blog with a message of hope.  I will over time be sharing my story with you along with news, statistics, videos and information on how and where people can get help, and we'll see where this goes.  I just had to get it started today so that I wouldn't delay my promise to God.  My hope is that someone will benefit from hearing my experience, whether you are a person addicted to pornography or a loved one suffering because of another's addiction to it, there is hope!