What do you do when you have been made keenly aware that someone you love, someone close to you and one who affects your very life on a daily basis, has an addiction to pornography? After some time of suspecting, or finding things on the compter, hearing excuses and or lies, and sleeping nights apart, they come clean and confess. (Well, at least there's a step in the right direction; admitting that there is a problem). A confession probably lifts at least a small burden off the shoulders of the person who confessed, yet at the same time, places a heavy burden on the person who was confessed to, especially if that person is a spouse and is the one who has been betrayed, deceived, and lied to. The burden of knowing is a heavy one, one that comes with saddness, confusion, anger, depression, and even a loss of hope, faith or the ability to know what to do. Do you forgive or not, do you end it all and leave or do you stay and work things out? All questions that goes through one's mind in a situation such as this.
Sometimes we think that if we forgive those who have wronged us, then we're saying that what they did is ok. I know that God commands us to forgive those who trespass against us so that we can be forgiven; let's face it, we're all imperfect. But I also know that it is easier said than done. How do we forgive? Why do we forgive? Is forgiving the same as saying 'it's ok'? I listen to K-LOVE radio station while I'm in the car, (it's a christian station) and I'm glad I do, because I get some real insight into the struggles of daily life from many of the great songs that are adapted from scripture and put to beautiful music. One song in particular really struck a chord with me (no musical pun intented) simply titled "Forgiveness" by Matthew West. The lyrics read:
It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last things on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word....
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set it free'
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It'll cear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisioner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisioner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unloveable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now, to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
Show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what you gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness is necessary for our own healing. Forgiveness releases the burden of knowing. Forgiveness keeps us from anger and hatred. Forgiving others will allow us to be forgiven when we mess up and make a mistake,
I aksed God to give me the ability to forgive, as I desired to do so. Since my human weakness wanted to prevent me from forgiving, I needed help from a power larger than myself and my abilities. After much effort and prayer, I was given that ability to forgive, and it really works. I passed along that burden that was placed at my feet to God, as he invites us to do so, and have been healing little by little on a daily basis.
Forgiving on my part did not mean that what was done was ok. And it does not excuse the process that my loved one has to take to make things right. But it has given me the ability to step back and separate the sin from the sinner and recognize the true potential that is there and continue to pray and hope and have faith that some day all will be made whole and be able to look back at this experience as a time that my faith was strengthened. My loved one recognized the wrong that was taking place and expressed willingness to change and has taken steps to do so, thus I will endure and love and forgive that we may again find peace and happiness that we both desire. I was reading in the Bible not long ago and just happened upon this passage in 1 Corinthians 7 that sums up this experience for me. It reads:
"And the woman that hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieveing husband is sanctified by the wife....For what knowest thou, o wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband." In the eternal scheme of things, I hope to look back on this moment as the catalyst that set things in motion to make life even better. If this difficult time results in great changes that makes us even stronger and better, if it results in "together forever" then it will all be worth it. We just have to trust, have faith, and forgive.
