What do you do when you have been made keenly aware that someone you love, someone close to you and one who affects your very life on a daily basis, has an addiction to pornography? After some time of suspecting, or finding things on the compter, hearing excuses and or lies, and sleeping nights apart, they come clean and confess. (Well, at least there's a step in the right direction; admitting that there is a problem). A confession probably lifts at least a small burden off the shoulders of the person who confessed, yet at the same time, places a heavy burden on the person who was confessed to, especially if that person is a spouse and is the one who has been betrayed, deceived, and lied to. The burden of knowing is a heavy one, one that comes with saddness, confusion, anger, depression, and even a loss of hope, faith or the ability to know what to do. Do you forgive or not, do you end it all and leave or do you stay and work things out? All questions that goes through one's mind in a situation such as this.
Sometimes we think that if we forgive those who have wronged us, then we're saying that what they did is ok. I know that God commands us to forgive those who trespass against us so that we can be forgiven; let's face it, we're all imperfect. But I also know that it is easier said than done. How do we forgive? Why do we forgive? Is forgiving the same as saying 'it's ok'? I listen to K-LOVE radio station while I'm in the car, (it's a christian station) and I'm glad I do, because I get some real insight into the struggles of daily life from many of the great songs that are adapted from scripture and put to beautiful music. One song in particular really struck a chord with me (no musical pun intented) simply titled "Forgiveness" by Matthew West. The lyrics read:
It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last things on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word....
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set it free'
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It'll cear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisioner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisioner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unloveable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now, to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
Show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what you gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness is necessary for our own healing. Forgiveness releases the burden of knowing. Forgiveness keeps us from anger and hatred. Forgiving others will allow us to be forgiven when we mess up and make a mistake,
I aksed God to give me the ability to forgive, as I desired to do so. Since my human weakness wanted to prevent me from forgiving, I needed help from a power larger than myself and my abilities. After much effort and prayer, I was given that ability to forgive, and it really works. I passed along that burden that was placed at my feet to God, as he invites us to do so, and have been healing little by little on a daily basis.
Forgiving on my part did not mean that what was done was ok. And it does not excuse the process that my loved one has to take to make things right. But it has given me the ability to step back and separate the sin from the sinner and recognize the true potential that is there and continue to pray and hope and have faith that some day all will be made whole and be able to look back at this experience as a time that my faith was strengthened. My loved one recognized the wrong that was taking place and expressed willingness to change and has taken steps to do so, thus I will endure and love and forgive that we may again find peace and happiness that we both desire. I was reading in the Bible not long ago and just happened upon this passage in 1 Corinthians 7 that sums up this experience for me. It reads:
"And the woman that hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieveing husband is sanctified by the wife....For what knowest thou, o wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband." In the eternal scheme of things, I hope to look back on this moment as the catalyst that set things in motion to make life even better. If this difficult time results in great changes that makes us even stronger and better, if it results in "together forever" then it will all be worth it. We just have to trust, have faith, and forgive.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to first commend you die finding the courage to start this blog. Doing anything to fight the monster that is pornography is scary. I've enjoyed your posts, and look forward to following your blog.
There is one huge element of concern I have about your posts that I felt must be brought to your attention. The underlying tone of your posts and your replies to comments indicates a belief that men are the only ones with pornography problems, and women are just the victims of these sad situations. While this is definitely the case in many instances, it is not the only truth. It is actually the case that MANY women deal with pornography and sexual addictions. It is by no means only a problem for men.
Because so many people think pornography is only something men struggle with, there are countless women who feel very alone, feel messed up for having a "man's" problem, and are left wondering what's wrong with them for having an addiction that it seems no other women have. This is an incredibly scary place for a Christian woman with the same LDS beliefs you have. I know because I was one of those women.
The reason I shares this is to shed light on the truth that pornography addiction doesn't care what gender someone is. Also, if you are thinking that I am just one random woman and that there are probably not many like me, just know that I created this account and username solely for the purpose of posting this comment because you know me in real life and I'm not ready for the world to know about my past struggles yet. If you know one woman (me) who has had a personal struggle with pornography, chances are extremely high that others you know are hiding similar challenges. :)
Love ya and keep working through the challenging times because there is light at the end! Your loved one wants to be happy, and most likely just needs to figure out what the underlying issues are that he or she is trying to avoid by using pornography. It will be a battle for a long time,but is a battle that can be won with the help of the Lord and a good therapist!
Thank you so much for reading and for posting your comment! I truly appreciate your courage in posting about your struggles with pornography addiction. You're right, my mindset has been one of this issue being a man's problem, as that is the reason I have been affected by it, and in my one track mind, it is where my focus has been. I thank you for bringing it to my attention and realization that women too suffer from the chains of this addiction. I would love to hear your perspective if you would be willing to share, anonymously of course. I will dedicate my next post to discussing the fact that women too, are ensnared by the addiction. With the Lord's help we can help save His precious children, both men and women, overcome this destroying evil, one person at a time. My love and prayers go out to you.
DeleteDie = for
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply to my comment, and for your prayers of support! I've recently written my addiction recovery story, and if you are interested I can send it to you. Let me know what email to send it to if you want. :)
ReplyDeleteI would absolutly love to hear your story!!!! please send it to wifeagainstpornography@gmail.com.
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